StarFront BattleWars

“Mphh, mphh…mphh, hmphh.”
“Sir?”
“Mphh?”
“Sir, I don’t think your speaker is on.”
“Mphh…”
The commander of the republic then clicked on his speaker.
“CLICK.” “Is that better?” Eagerly replied the commander.
“Yes commander.”
“Well then, now that that problem is settled, maybe I can continue. Or restart, I guess.”
“Yes commander.”
“You can stop with the “commander” thing Steve. I’m not one of those stuck up commanders that would kill the first person who he would call him by his first name.”
“But commander, I don’t know your first name.”
“It’s…It’s…Kelly.”
“Kelly?”
“Don’t ask questions. I don’t like it as much as you do.”
“No, no sir I have nothing against the name…Kelly.” The Commander then noticed the troops face begin to turn bright red.
“Let it all out troop.”
“Will do, Commander…Kelly. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Ok, ok that’s enough. I didn’t tell you, you could shatter Tatooine.”
“To late sir, it’s…gone.”
“What?!”
“But sir! It’s not from my laughter.”
“What’d you mean!?”
“It was just attacked by 387,932,127 bombers. Along with Hoth, which was also mutilated.”
“Not Hoth! That was my favorite level on that game that is coincidently similar to the name of this short story!”
“Commander Kelly, ha-ha. I preferred the platforms myself.”
“Enough on that. We need to gather the rest of our troops.”
“I’ll get right on that Commander Kelly, ha-ha.”
“Just go get the troops.”
The troop had sounded the P.A system on board. “Attention all troops. Attention all troops. Emergency meeting with Commander Kelly, ha-ha. Report to him immediately. Again, report to Commander Kelly Immediately.” After the emergency call, every troop in the building had burst out laughing. “HA-HA-HA! His names Kelly!” said a random troop nobody cares about, and will likely not be mentioned again in this entire story.
“I’ll never hear the end of this. Sure, my name is Kelly. It’s a man’s name to you know! It’s just not very masculine sounding.” He then began to speak to the whole crowd of “Mature” troops.
“Alright, I’ve just been informed that Tatooine, and Hoth, were attacked by, 392…Never mind, A lot of bombers, and were mutilated. This may be hard for some of you to take, since you may have had family on one of the two planets. We, need to take action, and get back at those evil “empirates.” They’re quickly destroying the galaxy, leaving no mercy on what they do. We, as a republic army, are going to take down the empirates, before they take us down first. But, if they happen to surprise attack us, what am I kidding? Were screwed. And in that case, everyone run like pansies for there lives. I know I will. I’ll probably even wet myself. Ok, before I rant on too much about my personal life, let’s just get moving men! Are you with me?!”
“Well, I guess we sort of have to listen to what you say.”
“Shut up, random troop from the crowd that was never supposed to speak ever again in this entire story.”
“Oh, ye---“
“Just stop, now.” Stopping the random troop from the audience who spoke, now three times, when he was only allowed to speak once, in this entire story. “Ok, everyone into their own personal ships. We’re going on a scouting mission to find the empirates.”
Then was the sound of thousands of Troops walking towards their personal ships, fully loaded with a instant everything button. “Everyone ready?!”
“Sir, you just told us to load in half a minute ago. You really expect us all to be ready?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do.” Remarked Commander Kelly. “How would you all react in case of a fire?”
“Well, that would put our everything resistant suits to good use.”
“Yes, I guess it would. Now go load in your ship.”
“Yes Commander Kelly, Ha-ha.”
“You could at least do it behind my back.”
“I’ll try Commander Kelly.” The troop then walked behind Commander Kelly and started to burst laughing.
“Very clever. Very clever.”
“Thank you Commander.”
“You idiot, I wasn’t actually commenting you. It was a figure of speech. And, how many times, do I have to tell you to GO TO YOUR SHIP.”
“Will do Commander.”
“Ships ready?!”
“As ready as we’ll ever be,”
“Well it’s about time isn’t it troops!” As he finished talking, a stereotypical woman voice came on the speaker. “Ready for launch in 10, 9, 8,…3,2,1-----“
“Hey! Countdown lady! You forgot to say 7, 6, 5, 4! I hate it when people do that!” Said another random troop.
“Shut up fool. I do what I’m told.”
“What? Count wrong?”
“Shush.”
“Don’t shush me lady announcer!”
“Launch” As she touched the launch button, there was an overwhelming amount of noise. But overheard most of all, was the troop that was screaming because he just ripped in half from the force of the escape door opening. ”I told you I was going to launch, but you just didn’t listen fool.”
“Arrghh. Where are my legs?! I can’t feel my legs!”
“The last time I seen them they were splattered against the wall.”
“Oh my god! I haven’t felt this much pain in my life! This is what you do to people who talk back to you?”
“Well, one time I severed off a man’s head with a banana, because he kind of stared at me in a wrong way.”
“What?! Are you insane!”
“I guess I could be. I never thought about it.”
“Oh great, so we have a female murderer for an announcer.”
“I guess you do.”
* * *
Meanwhile in space…
“Commander, we’ve spotted enemy forces.”
“Don’t let them see you troop, if they throw a magazine at us, our ship would explode. These ships are made of very flammable cardboard.”
“You’re kidding me right?”
“Nope.”
“So why exactly did we send ALL of our troops to scout out the Empirates, if they just have to throw a magazine at our ship to make a chain reaction of explosions, killing all of our men?”
“I never thought of that. You smart republic troop.”
“Thanks sir, but shouldn’t we at least spread out? All of our ships are practically on top of each other.”
“Good thinking troop. Attention all troops spread out. And DON’T let the Empirates see you! I can’t stress that enough!”
Meanwhile at the Empirates base…
“Muahahaha! Are they mentally handicapped?” Bursted Darth Flavor.
“As a matter of fact Lord, I believe they’re commander is.”
“I mean do they actually think we can’t see them? Their ships are bright orange!”
“Once again Lord, I don’t think they think that we can see them.”
“Those idiots. Take out the magazine launcher!”
“We have one of those?”
“Yes. For some reason we do.”
“Well Lord, I’ll get it ready for use.” Darth Flavors slave then reaches for the microphone. ”Attention all Empirates! Get the Magazine launcher ready for use, immediately!” Then, all you could hear was this.
“Magazine launcher?! When did we get one of those?”
“We stole it from a planet no one cares about.” Announced Slave.
“Oh ok.” Replied the confused troops. The troops then pulled the Magazine launcher out of the floor, and set it into position.
“Fire the Magazine launcher!” Yelled Slave once again.
“COMMANDER KELLY…ha-ha!”
“Ugghh. What now?”
“I see what appears to be magazines flying at a rapid pace towards us!”
“What?! The Empirates saw you?!”
“What’d you expect Commander?”
“All troops think of a desk, and then press the everything button. Then hide under the desks for protection! Do it A.S.A.P!”
“But, sir what will that accomplish?”
“EVERYTHING!”
“Alright here goes nothing.”
“Did it work?”
“Actually, no. These everything buttons are faulty sir!”
“DAMN YOU TOYS R US! DAMN YOU!”
“Sir, you bought the buttons from Toys r us?”
“Not only the buttons.”
“What?!”
“I’ll tell you later.”
“But the magazines are just about to make impact!”
“Well, how ‘bout praying? It might work.”
“Are you kidding me Commander? You have no form of back-up plan?”
“Nope.”
“Alright sir, I’m taking over from here, you proved to me…Well, that you’re a retard, and you no nothing.”
“You can’t do that?!”
“All troops head back to base in hyper drive. We must get back before the magazines destroy us all. We may lose a few of you, but a few is better than our entire army. I repeat turn back now!”
All of the ships did a dramatic flip and turn, and shifted to hyper drive. 2500 troops died on the way back. One lived. ”We’ll sir, it appears that our army sucks, and can’t do anything.”
“I guess you’re right Troop. It’s just you, Me, and this Slave, that HASN’T GOT ME MY COFFEE YET!”
“Lord, I’ll get right on it.”
“You’d better. Or else!”
“Or else what Lord?”
“I’ll send you back to Tatooine.”
“Uhh, sir?” said the Troop. “Tatooine’s mutilated, there’s nothing left.”
“What?!...Oh yeah, that.”
“And since when did you get a slave? I thought we were the good guys?”
“Well, Darth Flavor has one, and I just wanted to be popular.”
“I see.”
“SLAVE!? Is my coffee ready?”
“Just about Lord.”
“And…” Interrupted the Troop again. “Why does he call you Lord? Your, your, just a Commander. There’s like 50 people that are above you in rank.”
“Yeah, well, shut up!”
“So what are we going to do about the Empirates now? We have no army.”
“We’ll have to do it alone, I guess.”
“By alone, do you mean me, and the slave?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Well, I guess we’d better make a plan then.”
“No plan.”
“What’d mean no plan?”
“We don’t need one if we have this!”
“Sir, you have absolutely nothing.”
“Oh that’s where you’re wrong.”
“Sir, I’m sure you have absolutely nothing.”
“You may call it nothing, but I call it the “Weapon of Mass Minor Inconviences.”
“I call that, well I don’t know what I would call that. I guess we can try it out.”
“Alright Troop, get out your gun, and shoot the “Weapon of Mass Minor Inconviences.”
“Alright here we go.” He pulls out his blaster rifle, loads in the “Weapon of Mass Minor Inconviences” aimed it at the Empirates mother ship, and fired. “There. Now what do we do?”
“We wait.”
* * *
Back at the Empirates Base, 5 minutes after the launch of the “Weapon of Mass Minor Inconviences.”
“What the hell?!” angrily said Darth Flavor.
“What lord?”
“I have a scratch on my helmet! I take very good care of my helmet! I have never scratched my helmet!”
“Sir.” Interrupted an Empirate. “There’s broken glass every where’s. The Republic must have shot something at us, but I don’t see anything that could have broken the window.”
“ I think I know what it was.” Replied Darth Flavor.
“What?”
“ The “Weapon of Mass Minor Inconviences.” That’s why I have the scratch on my helmet.”
“The “Weapon of Mass Minor Inconviences?”
“Yes.” Replied Flavor. “They were too stupid to think of something more destructive. So, they made a device which causes mass minor incoviences, wherever it is. It’s actually quite clever. Because after a few years, the minor inconviences, make you go insane.”
“Well, I guess we’ll have to go find it and send back what they made.”
“You can’t find it.” Once again replying Flavor. “It’s impossible”
“Oh that’s just wonderful. Hey my shoe is gone. That’s a minor inconvience.”
“See! That’s exactly what it does. Except for after a few days, it will poke us in our sleep and shoot us while were eating.”
“Shoot us while were eating sir?!”
“Yes!”
“You can’t be serious!”
“Yes!”
That’s impossible!”
“Yes!”
“Don’t you mean “No.” sir?”
“Yes!”
“We need to get back at those Republicans.”
“Yes!”
“Alright Seriously, that’s enough.”
“Yes!”
“…”
“Yes!”
“Alright sir that time I didn’t even say anything.”
“Yes!”
“Do you want me to punch you Lord? Or should I even ask?”
“Yes!”
“I thought so.” He then picked up his fist and released all of his power, anger and will, straight onto the Lords face. “How do you feel now?”
“…”
“Sir?”
“…”
“Sir!?”
“…”
“SIR!?”
“…”
“Are you dead?!”
“Yes!”
“No, anything but that!” He then picked up both fist and started whaling on the lord’s face, until blood was seeping from all parts of the mask. “What have I done?! I killed Lord Flavor!”
“Man, I’m a slave, and I was never even beaten that badly.”
“Shut up slave! You want the same thing to happen to you?!”
“No sir!” He then pranced off into the corner.
“ I guess the only thing to do is to take the lords clothes.” He then exchanged suits with the lord, and went to the bathroom to clean up his face, and the mask that was seeping with blood.
Meanwhile back in the ship with three people on it…
“Sir I think we should attack.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I felt the power of the Empirates drop.”
“Alright, as you wish.”
Meanwhile back in the Empirates base…What the Empirates didn’t know, is the Darth Flavor had implanted himself with a bomb. That bombs timer was to start, when his heart stops. Once it starts, the Empirates have one hour to escape. Keep that in mind and keep reading on.
“Ahh, I’m finally all suited up, and ready to go. Man I look pretty tasty in this suit.” As he said while posing into the full length mirror. “Hey, what’s that small beeping noise I hear?” He went back into the room where he had brutally beaten Lord Flavor to investigate. He found the noise lead right to Lord Flavor’s bloody corpse. He put his ear up to his stomach. “BEEP, BEEP, BEEP”
“Oh no.” He picked up his fist once again and rammed his hand into his stomach, ripping, and tearing the flesh. He did that several more times, breaking right through the layers of flesh and fat. “Oh god, this is disgusting.” He was searching through the inside of his body to find exactly what he expected. A bomb. “Yes! I found it! Only 23 minutes left. Got to act fast.” He said.
“I can’t tell the others. It would panic them. 19 minutes to go.”
Meanwhile back at the republican ship…
“15 minutes ‘till launch troop.”
“Ok, I’ll be ready.”
“Wouldn’t it be great if there Mother ship just exploded?”
“I guess it would be.”
“So what do I do for the remainder of 13 minutes?”
“Don’t be impatient.”
Meanwhile again back the Empirates base…
“I have a plan. I’ll use an escape pod and leave the bomb here.” He then followed up with his plan and flew away leaving all of the Empirates, well, screwed. Because for some reason the is only one escape pod on the whole ship. “MUAHAHAHA! No one is smarter than I!”
“Hey, Empirate!”
“WHAT! SLAVE!?” The slave then pulls out a shotgun and a knife and blew his head off with one shot, and then stabbed him in the heart for comfort. You may be wondering how the slave go in the escape pod. It’s quite simple. When the slave had seen Darth Flavor get brutally killed, he went and hid in the escape pod, and equipped himself with a shotgun and knife. “Well, I guess I’d better go to the Republican ship, to tell the news.” He the flew through space until reaching destination.
“Hey! I see an enemy ship!” Reported the Troop. “Fire at it slave! Use the magazine launcher!” The salve then started firing magazines at the ship, and they began to puncture the windshield. After a while of firing the magazines, the windshield broke, sending the slave inside into space… “Oh, he wasn’t a Empirate. Oops.” The slave then burst into flames and melted into space.
Meanwhile back at the Empirates base…The countdown said 1 minute. And still, the Empirates on board know nothing about it.
“Hey, you want to go get some coffee in a minute?”
“Sure Ed.” 12 seconds remaining.
“Hey you want to go right now instead?”
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”
Meanwhile back at the Republican base…
“Holy crap! Did you see that?! Cancel the launch!”
“Will do.”
“Wow, the base did explode without us doing anything. That’s pretty cool.”
“Yeah, we really did do absolutely nothing didn’t we?”
“Yep.”
“Poor Slave. We should have checked who was in the ship.”
“Meh, no big loss.”
.”That explosion was pretty awesome.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“It went like BOOM!”
“Yep.”
“So what do you think happened to Darth Flavor?”
“He likely died in the blast, like all of the other Empirates.”
“Or did he?”
“Couldn’t tell ya. It’s just a fair guess.”
“How are we going to end this conversation?”
“…”
“…”