How KISS saved John Landon

“Ahhh…It’s a beautiful morning, isn’t it John?” Mrs. Landon asked. “John? JOHN?! WHERE ARE YOU!?”
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the Kiss pad… “ZzZzZzZz----What was that scream I just heard man?” asked Ace Frehley.
“I heard it too dude.” replied Peter Criss.
“Yeah man, me too.” replied Gene Simmons. “What was it?”
“Not sure, but it sounded like a woman’s shriek.” replied Ace.
“Was it Mrs. Clause?” asked Peter.
“Just a minute, the Com-Wave I Phone commercial is on…Hello? Hello?! Ever wonder why your phone company charges so much, for your home and business lines? Feeling ripped off?...”
“Hey?! Ace!” asked Gene.
“Call I Phone Today…What?!”
“Shouldn’t we check out what happened?”
“TO THE KISSCOPTER!” heroically yelled Gene.
“Aww wicked! We got Dell’s now...Crap, they have Mac Os X on them!”
“You had my hopes up Ace.” Said Gene. “Wait! We have a missed call on the Kissphone! It’s from…Mrs. Landon! She left a message….
“Beep!” The message then began to play. “Kiss! You have to come here! They’ve taken John!”
“Were on our way Mrs.Landon!” Gene then through the dells out of the Kisscopter, because they had OS X on them.
* * *
Meanwhile at the Landon residence…
“Uhh, Gene? Why is there a Dell keyboard jammed into Mrs.Landon’s jugular?”
“…Oops…Damn…That’s going to leave a mark. I couldn’t tell you Peter.” Said Gene.
“It must have been the real Bill Gates...Or…Dr.Phil.” Ace Frehley replied.
“Yeah, that’s exactly who it was! We have to find, and eliminate both of them.” Said Gene.
* * *
Meanwhile at the Dr.Phil residence…
“Looks, like Mr. Gates made his way here too.” Solemnly replied Peter.”
“Yes…He must have. You think he would have thought of a less gruesome way to kill him. He just had to crush his bald head with a Dell monitor.” Said Gene.
“Gene? You seem uptight about something? Is there something you want to tell us? Because, were a band, and we have to talk openly about things.”
“Ok…I through the Dells out of the Kisscopter.”
“…” Replied Ace.
“…” Replied Peter. “You killed them?”
“Well, it was an accident.” Eagerly replied Gene.
“How come you always throw everything from the Kisscopter? You have probably killed thousands of people, but yet, we’ve saved one.”
“Oh c’mon Peter, that’s just like asking, “Hey Peter? How come you talk?”
“Gene, that has nothing to do with anything.” Replied Peter.
“Well…let’s just go find John ok?”
“Fine.”
“TO THE KISSCOPTER!” Yelled Gene.
“Ok, were off to Bill gates’ “House” which is more like a computer with missiles and jumping turtles with lasers attached to there spiked feet.” Said Peter.
…. “I can’t wait to make Gates’ head explode with my Ultimately Supreme loud amp, which makes anything explode in a 20 mile radius. Excluding us of course.” Said Gene.
“Oh, thank god…I thought we would have exploded with it.” Replied Ace.
“Nope, I just have to equip us all with a petticoat KISS jacket. Which, are in the gerbil room on the top shelf.” Replied Gene.
“We, have a gerbil room? Wicked! I LOVE GERBILS!” Yelled Peter Criss.
“Yes Peter we know you have a fetish for gerbils.” Replied Ace. “Were almost at our target. Equip your Petticoat KISS jackets!”
“Can I play with a gerbil?!” girlishly screamed Peter.
“You can bring it along. Remember to feed it, and to give it love.” Replied Gene.
“Oh you don’t have to worry about that!” said Peter.
“We’re here! Exiting the KISSCOPTER! Every one ready to ROCK!?” Yell’s Gene.
“Yeah!” replied Peter.
“Yeah!” replied Ace. Gene, did you remember the amp?”
“Yeah!” replied Gene. “Let’s get ready to R-O-C-K!”
“Alright Gene, enough with that. We’re supposed to be quite until we break down his door! It’s standard stuff Gene. But, we’re not just going to break down his door; we’re going to ROCK his door down!” Triumphantly said Ace.
“Yeah! Turn on the amp Gene!” said Peter Criss.
“Will do dude!” replied Gene. CRRRRACK! ------FUZZZZZBEEEP!!! “ALL RIGHT! I’M ALL SET!”
“GENE! STRUM THAT GUITAR!” Gene raised his arm and strummed the guitar with a giant stroke of AWESOME. BANNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG! A sudden burst of electricity and flaming rocks and turtles exploded into a giant bomb like reaction.
“WHOA!?” said Gene. Dust and rubble were floating through the air, and around KISS’ legs. As the smog cleared they noticed, everything had been destroyed, EXCEPT…Bill Gates’ house.
“DAMN!!! He must have installed a Firewall on his house!” Said Peter. “Wait! Gerbil? Are you ok?”
“Sigh…Was he in your Petticoat KISS jacket?” said Ace.
“Ohhh…No…NO! NOOOO!!!! GERBIL!!!” Peter blubbered.
“It’s ok.” Gene patted his back. “We’ll get you a new gerbil.”
“NO!!! It won’t be the same!” Cried Peter.
“I have a plan…” Said Gene. “We’ll use the KISS time-machine.”
“But, but, it’s never been tested!” Screamed Ace.
“It’s about to be tested…By KISS! TO THE KISS TIME-MACHINE!”
“Uhhh Gene? Where’s the KISS TIME-MACHINE?” asked Peter while wiping his eyes with a KISS KLEENEX.
“I’ve secretly placed it in Patrick Snails basement.” Replied Gene.
“Patrick Snail?! He lives in the North pole!” yelled Ace.
“Well, if it means that much to Peter, we’ll have to go.” Bravely replied Gene. “We’ll come back here later. It’ll give us time in thinking of a way to break through Bill Gates’ Firewall. So, it’ll do us good. TO THE KISSCOPTER!”
Meanwhile in the KISSCOPTER….
“Man, we were so close to getting Mr. Gates…”said Ace.
“We’ll get our chance again, once we get Peter’s gerbil back.” Replied Gene.
“Thanks Gene, I don’t what I would do without you.” Peter pleaded.
“Aww thanks. See, this is why KISS is still together, we feel the love.”
“Jesus Gene, stop being so…gay.” Ace said.
“Sorry Ace…Where are we now?” asked Gene.
“We’re just about to the North pole now.” Replied Ace. “In fact, WERE HERE!”
“Yes! I can’t wait to see Patrick Snail again!” Said Gene. Let’s go check out where he is…first let’s check the Sobey’s where we last saw him.”
“Alright…I’ll land in the Parking lot.” said Ace. “Everyone, load out!”
“Hey wait, isn’t this Sobey’s only open on Christmas Eve?” said Peter.
“Yeah…Crap…Oh wait…its open!” Said Gene. “It’s Christmas Eve?”
“I guess so…let’s talk to the manager.” Replied Ace.
“Hi! How may I help you today?” Said Steve the Sobey’s manager.
“We were looking for Patrick Snail. We last saw him here.” Asked Ace.
“Ohhh, sorry…We found him crushed by a Mac computer last year…in fact exactly a year ago…Jeez, he was a nice guy.” Said Steve.
“…” replied Gene.
“…”replied Ace.
“Gerbil?” replied Peter.
“He’s DEAD?! A MAC KILLED HIM?!” furiously screamed Gene. “…Oops.”
“GENE!?” yelled Ace.
“GENE?!” yelled Peter.
“You killed Patrick Snail too, didn’t you?” said Ace.
“Uhhh….ssssss….It was an ACCIDENT! I didn’t know I killed him!” confessed Gene.
“Man, you seem to cause more trouble than Bill himself! Anyways, what’s done is done---“ Peter interrupted.
“Or is it? We can use the KISS TIME-MACHINE! We can go back to last year…save Patrick snail, and then use the KISS TIME-MACHINE again, to go back to this time frame…Then, we can save my gerbil!”
“Jeez Peter, that’s actually a quite complex, quickly thought out plan, that might actually work!” said Ace in a “Proud of Peter” tone of voice.
“TO PATRICK SNAILS BASEMENT!” Yelled Gene.
“Man! This place is a wreck!” said Peter.
“Well, he’s been dead for a year.” Replied Gene.
“Where’s the basement Gene?” asked Ace.
“Next to the Gerbil room.”
“GERBIL ROOM!?” interrupted Peter.
“Yes Peter…a gerbil room, go and play for awhile while me and Gene get the KISS TIME-MACHINE set up.” Said Ace.
“WILL DO!” said Peter, as he pranced like a fairy.
Several hours later…
“Peter? It’s ready!” yelled Ace. “You can take the gerbils with you!”
“Really?! WICKED!”
“Just get in Peter…”
“SAY IT AS A GROUP GUYS!” Yelled Gene
“KISS TIME WARP!”
“Alright, remember…we’re in the North Pole last year…in Patrick Snails basement.” Said Ace.
“Right.” Said Gene
“Right.” Said Peter, dropping gerbils all over the inside of the KISS TIME-MACHINE. “Hey wait, don’t we have to save Santa again then?”
“Oh yeah…you’re right, we’ll warp passed that part.” Said Gene.
“Alright, let’s head upstairs and talk to Patrick Snail.” replied Ace.
“Right.” Replied the other two KISS members.
“Patrick snail! Long-time-no-see!”
“GENE! PETER! ACE... YOU’RE ALL HERE!
“Boy am I glad to see you again Patrick Snail.” Said Gene. “Were you planning on going to Sobey’s today?”
“Actually yes, I’m doing my annual shopping.”
“I know this will sound weird to you Patrick Snail, but if you don’t listen to me, you’ll be crushed by a Mac that plunges from the sky. And, it happens today…in the Sobey’s parking lot.”
“WHAAT?!” screamed Patrick Snail. “How do you know this? Why should I believe you?!” asked Patrick Snail.
“Because, we are from the future. We are KISS a year from now. We have already seen you die.” Said Gene.
“…” said Patrick Snail.
“I know this is hard to take in…but DON’T GO TO SOBEY’S!”
“I, I don’t know what to say…” replied Patrick Snail. “So, did you save Santa? Was Christmas saved?” asked Patrick Snail.
“Nope….” Said Gene.
“…” said Patrick Snail.
“Just joking, we saved Santa, and Christmas. We even gave him a guitar to ROCK OUT on.”
“Pheww…I thought you were serious.” Said Patrick Snail.
“Actually, Patrick snail, would you like to come stay with us at our KISSPAD? We would be honored.”
“Really?! Wow…thanks KISS!”
“AWESOME DUDE! We’ll even get you your own PETTICOAT KISS JACKET. With Patrick Snail on the back. What size do you take?
“XXXS” said Patrick snail.
“Jeez, you’re pretty small!”
“Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Said Patrick Snail with a tough look on his face.
“Let’s say it together guys!” yelled Gene.
“KISS TIME WARP!”
Meanwhile back in the Present time…
“Awww man, my place is a dump.” Said Patrick Snail.
“Yeah, that’s because you were dead…But, we changed that!” proudly replied Gene.
“Alright, the KISSCOPTER is waiting outside!” said Ace.
“TO THE KISSCOPTER!” yelled Gene.
“Ahhh…good to be back to this year…last year sucked. Except for that cheesecake I ate. Damn that was good cheesecake. It said KISS CHEESE CAKE on it…it made me feel good inside.” Said Ace.
“Yeah, that was pretty good cheese cake. It made me want to ROCK!” replied Gene. “Anyways, Peter…get your Gerbil and put it in your PETTICOAT KISS JACKET. We’re not going to try the amp gig again, it only did harm to everything but our target.”
“Oh right…So how are we going to brake through the Firewall?” asked Ace.
“We’ll have to give it a KISS VIRUS.” Said Gene.
“KISS VIRUS?” Asked Patrick Snail. “What’s that?”
“Yeah Gene, what is a KISS VIRUS?” asked Ace.
“We’re practically going to give his house a KISS COLD. Then we’ll hack into the Firewall while it’s weak with our new Dell computers that I bought on the way here…Secretly.”
“AWESOME!” yelled Ace.
“Wicked! Yelled Peter from the Gerbil room.
“Amazing!” Yelled Patrick Snail.
“And guess what?!” said Gene.
“What?” said Patrick Snail.
“What?” said Ace.
“They even have windows XP.” Said Gene.
“YEAH!” the rest of the group yelled.
“But Gene, just don’t throw them out of the KISSCOPTER.” Said Ace.
“I’ll try my best.” Replied Gene.
“Hey Gene! We’ve made it.”
“Sweet!” said Gene. “Remember how I said I was going to give his firewall a cold? I was being literal. I ran into Cloud from Final Fantasy 7, and he gave me an Ice materia…Pretty cool eh?!”said Gene.
“Uhhh, what do you do with it? It just looks like a shiny rock.” Said Patrick Snail.
“It makes it so I can cast “ICE!””
“WOW! AMAZING!” Everyone said together.
“But, he didn’t JUST get ME a materia. He also gave me one for Ace, and…Patrick Snail. Sorry Peter…you’re to gay to use them…” said Gene.
“…” said Peter.
“WICKED!” said Ace.
“AMAZING!” said Patrick Snail.
“So, Patrick Snail…you now have the “Lightning” Materia…well, I don’t really have to explain what it does. And, Ace…you get the “Fire” materia, yeah, it’s pretty self explanatory.” Said Gene. “And, Peter, you can stay and guard the KISSCOPTER, while we get to do the good stuff.”
“Well…I feel pretty left out…Oh well, at least I have my gerbil.” said Peter Criss.” Well, see ya I guess.” Said Peter.
“See ya dude.” Said Gene.
“Alright, now that he’s out of the way…”said Ace.
“Hey Ace! Did you bring you KISSLAPTOP?” said Patrick Snail.
“I’m all set Pat!”
….”Let’s head in dudes!” screamed Gene. “Alright, now I have to use my new move on the House…Here it goes!” screamed Gene. “ICE.” A yellow vortex of light then circled rapidly around him. He then swayed his arms into the direction of the house. “WHOA! IT’S COMPLETELY COVERED IN ICE!” yelled Gene. “That was pretty ROCK ON!”
“WICKED! I can’t wait to try mine!” yelped Ace.
“Alright Ace! Put in the code “[//>:IREALLYWANTINTOYOURHOUSESOI’MGOINGTOINFECTITWITHAVIRUS]!” Do it now!”
“Alright! I got it!” screamed Ace. “The door should be open now.”
“Ok Ace…Now’s your chance to melt the ice!” yelled Gene.
“Right.” Said Ace. “Patrick Snail…do you wish to help?”
“DO I!!!” yelled Patrick Snail. The yellow vortex of light then formed around both of them, and started rotating rapidly. They then swayed their hands, or…shell, towards the house.
“WE DID IT!” yelled Ace. “The door is open!”
“Yeah!” yelled Patrick Snail.
“ROCK ON!” yelled Gene. “Let’s head in dudes!”
Meanwhile inside Bill Gates’ “House”…
“Whoa! What’s with all of the Windows symbols?” asked Gene.
“Man, he must really love his company.” Said Ace.
“Yeah…”said Patrick Snail mesmerized of the symbols.
“Well, I guess we should look for Bill Gates’ office then…that’s likely where he is.” said Gene. A noise then interrupted Gene….SHING! “PATRICK SNAIL! WATCH----- “
“NOOO!!!”Screamed Gene. “A windows symbol covered in razors just had to kill you!”
“Ughh, am…I….going…to live?” Patrick Snail said while blood was gushing from him.
“Yes…you’ll be alright! Just hang in there!” said Gene. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS GATES! WELL, I KNOW YOU COULD PAY FOR IT! BUT…DAMN….Uhhh…YEAH!” said Gene.
“Patrick Snail…We hardly knew thee.” Said Ace. “Leave him Gene, there’s nothing we can do. Even if we went back in time and saved him from this…he would just end up dying again anyways. Just face it, he’s a jinks.”
“You’re, you’re right. We can’t change the past.” Solemnly said Gene.
“…” said Ace.
“But, this just gives us all the more motivation to FINISH BILL GATES!” yelled Gene.
“Let’s do it together Bro.” said Ace.
“Rock on man.” Replied Gene.
“Let’s get em’!”
“Let’s say it together man…
“KISS POWER!”
Meanwhile in Mr. Bill Gates him self’s office….
CRRRRRRRRRACKKKK!!!
“Alright Mr. Gates! Now that we’ve broke your office door, we’re going to kill you. KISS STYLE!”
“I don’t believe you will…”Mr. Gates replied. BEEP! He Pressed a button making a glass chamber surround Ace, and Gene. “Muahahahaha! Try getting out of that! Don’t even try that “Materia” stuff of yours. It would just hit you instead of me.”
“Damn you Bill Gates!” yelled Gene.
“Ahhh, no need for profanity, or I’ll emit gas into your “cage” muahahahaha!” Bill yelled. “In fact, I’ll just do that anyways.”
“Ugghhh…getting….weak….uhhhh…” said Gene while collapsing to the floor.
“Ugghh, can’t….move….can’t….” said Ace as he collapsed on top of Gene.
“Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!” laughed Bill.
Meanwhile….after waking from unconsciousness…
“Man? Why is it so hot?” said Gene sounding tired.
…. “Ughhh…yeah…why is it so hot. And, why are we hanging upside-down over a pit of molten lava?” replied Ace
“WHOA?!” Gene said as he began to realize their situation.
“Jeez, Mr. Gates has everything!”
“I hate Bill Gates! Yeah you heard me Mr. Gates!”
“How are we going to get out of this?”
“I GOT IT! I can use my “ICE” Materia!” said Gene. “ICE!” Then, once again, the Yellow vortex of light rotated vigorously around him. SHINNNNGGGAAADOOKK!!! “Yes! The lava is now ice! And, our ropes are now extremely fragile….oh….damn….we’re still like 300 ft up. If we fall, were goners!”
“Well, I guess it’s good that I packed an extra pair of KISS HOVER BOOTS!” yelled Ace.
“ROCK ON!” replied Gene. “Give me a pair!”
“DONE!” yelled Ace, as he threw the pair of KISS HOVER BOOTS.
“Alright, All set.” Said Gene. “Ok, we can break the ropes, and then hover to safety.” said Gene.
“DONE!!” Ace said as he fell with Gene along side.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Ace screamed while falling.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Gene yelled also, while falling.
“C’MON KISS HOVER BOOTS!!! WORK!” screamed Ace. They kicked in right as he said those words. And, surprisingly enough, Gene’s KISS HOVER BOOTS turned on at the Exact same time.
“Jeez…we’re finally back on land…” said Gene.
“Yeah…Let’s go beat the SNAIL out of BILL GATES!” yelled Ace.
“Uhhh…YEAH!!!”
CRRRRRRRRRRACKKKKKKK!
“We’re back to kill you Bill!” commanded Gene.
“AND WERE GOING TO BEAT THE FACE OUT OF YOU!” said Ace.
“Oh yeah? And, where is Mr.Landon?!” commanded Gene.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPP!
“I AM MR.JOHN LANDON!” screamed John Landon.
“Noooo….”Gene dropped to his knees. “All of this to save John Landon, and then Bill Gates turns out to be him.”
“Well, what do we do now Gene?” Asked Ace.
“We must Kill John Landon.” Bravely said Gene. Gene then lunged at John, and ripped his face off. Only to find… “DAMN! IT IS BILL GATES!” Gene said.
“Wow, this is messed.” replied Ace Frehley. Gene pulled out his knife launcher, and shot Bill Gates 2123 times in the Jugular.
“Jeez Gene, one shot would’ve done it.” Said Ace.
“It was for Patrick Snail.” Replied Gene.
“HELP!” the REAL John Landon commanded.
“Oh no! John Landon is being drowned in a tank of turtle juice!” said Gene. “Hurry ace! Use you KISS GAUNTLETS!” yelled Gene.
“Right!” replied Ace.
SMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAASSSSSSHHHHHH!
“Ugghhh…” John murmured.
“You are alright now…you’re in good hands John Landon.” Said Ace.
“You know John, your wife called us as soon as she found you were gone. You should thank her when you get home.” Said Gene.
“Thank her? You mean Thank you! If it weren’t for you, I’d be dead right now.” Said John.
“We should get out of here…But first…
“TO THE KISSCOPTER!”
“So, John, What do you like to do on your spare time?” asked Gene.
“Usually, I go home and play on my MAC computer, with MAC OS X.” said John.
“…”said Gene.
“What?” asked John.
“I…HATE….MAC’S!!!” Furiously screamed Gene. He stood up, picked up John Landon, and hung him out the door of the KISSCOPTER by his collar. “JOHN LANDON! COMPLETELY REVERSE THE LAST SENTENCE YOU SAID IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!” lashed out Gene. “Just joking!” Gene added.
Then they all laughed together after, the not so funny “joke.”
“So Gene, lets say it together…”Ace said.
“KISS POWER!”